Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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