I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
