question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
