Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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