Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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