i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
