I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
