My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
