Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
