WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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