so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
