yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
