My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
