I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
