I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
