Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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