my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
