I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
