She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
