Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
