i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
