If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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