the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
