I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
