I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
