god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
