Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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