Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
