You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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