some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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