U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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