I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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