Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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