let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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