Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
