wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
