My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
