I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize