Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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