The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
