Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
