Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
