The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
