Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
