did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
