saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
