I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize