holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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