12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
