I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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