Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I want a musical about memes.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
