I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
