oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
