Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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