Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
