Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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