I think im going to throw up on grandma
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
