My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I have aggressive nipples.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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