Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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