apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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