You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
